When ever I am told someone is expecting a baby, especially their first baby, I have to hold back from spewing "knowledge" upon them. Not knowledge of how to raise a child (my child raising is often trial and error based), but to tell the new to be daddy or mommy that yes they already love this little "bean" now, but they have NO IDEA how much MORE they will love this child with each passing day, with every milestone before and after their baby is born. They will have no idea how much their lives will change in pleasant chaotic sleepless nights, and yes one or both of them may go through baby blues, but yet, even then, they will also have blissful moments of love toward each other and toward this baby!! They have NO CLUE what courage is until they hold their baby in their arms for the first time, they have no idea that for this little bundle of joy, they will protect their child like they would no other!
But instead of throwing all of this upon them, why can't I just let people experience it with out expecting it?? That's how I experienced motherhood, I was blissfully ignorant of all this LOVE! It is because I relive the first moments of falling love with my children when ever I hear the news of someone expecting!! I was amazed how much love went to these little beings. When I was pregnant with my second child, I often wondered how in the world am I going to love her as much as my first born..HOW?? I was so surprised as she grew with in me that I already loved her, and I honestly can not imagine how the 3 of us got along with out her! Yes, admittedly,on the way home from the hospital, the hubs stopped at the pharmacy, as I waited, I looked at pictures of just the three of us, without baby #2,..and felt guilty of changing the dynamics with a second child..but I turned around and looked at Peasley baby #2 and immediately forgot that feeling of guilt. Having children for me, taught me that I love loyally and unconditionally for my parents, passionately, unconditionally for the hubs, and then there is this whole other type of love that my children brought out of me; a fierce/gentle, indescribable kind of love. Having a child, no matter how the child comes to us (adoption, niece or nephew,ect) changes us..or it changed me, having my nephew and niece, years earlier, certainly brought out a protectiveness in me, and then my own babies accentuated all the good I had in my heart, I just did not know it was there, yet. So writing this, I have decided, that it is not up to me to unwrap this surprise for first time parents...as hard as it is for me to keep surprises..it is much more fun to see them find this out for themselves..
I remember my first thought, holding Nate was, "why didn't anyone tell me I would feel this way", my second thought was, "I wouldn't believe them anyway"....So if you are expecting a little bundle of joy..sorry for the spoiler..but you still have no idea..
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
when I fell in love
I can remember all the moments when the hubs, then just a friend, would make me catch my breath. The first time was in 94 when he, another friend and myself went to a haunted house and we were crammed in a line going thru the blackness of terror, and yes my eyes were squeezed shut thru out the whole adventure. Sean was in front and I was squeezed behind him as we shuffled our way around, and my eyes flew open when he tapped the side of my thigh to tell me to watch my step. My heart leaped in my throat and the first time of our friendship I felt my whole body come alive! It was exhilarating, but then I got distracted when the masked man began chasing us with a chain saw, and the feeling didn't return right a way because we all quickly discovered that I locked my purse with the keys in my trunk!
9 months later, still best of friends, but really in denial, I was hung up on my high school love who came in and out of my life in the last nine months and he was too good looking for me to get pass the infatuation I was confusing with love..let's not forget I was only 18!! So while I was mending my heart, Sean and our friends hung out almost every night and those days were the best times of my life, except I did not realize that then..I was too busy boo hooing over a relationship that was doomed since day one. But another moment did not fail to take me off guard, once again. He would have "Friends" Thursday at his place with our friend, April, and we would stay there so late with not a care in the world. One Thursday, while driving to his apartment, I suddenly began feeling giddy to see him and thinking how I missed him, and when I arrived at his apartment a mean goose was in attack mode, Sean came out of his apartment armed with a hockey stick and bravely shooed the goose away and pulled me into his apartment, once safely inside he gave me his famous one eyebrow arch look and I SWEAR he could see my heart beat right through my chest! He was being silly but I honestly looked at him as my hero (seriously..that goose was huge!). I remembered our friend April was on her way and got my act together before she got there. As time went on, he was the only brave one between us and one evening, sitting on the back of his white truck, he confessed how he felt, but me..I cowered out, and several times after that..I don't know if I loved our unique friendship too much or if I loved having someone care about me as much as he did and did not want that to stop, so I never acted on these fleeting heart stopping, breath taking moments.
I look back on it today and I am amazed what I put our relationship through in the next years to come. After a few times of Sean opening up to me and me not responding to him, he gave up, we still remained friends, but there was a definite change in our relationship. He certainly stopped putting me first and distant himself from me and I was too stubborn to admit to him how I felt. I began dating another guy, desperately wanting Sean to tell me how he felt again. I, Leesa Peasley, was playing games, and he was not participating! I was a stupid stupid girl! I would write notes to Sean hinting how I feel, and the only response I would get from Sean was just our usual friendly hang outs, we would go to hockey games together or hang out at Damons..and we were never alone, always with our friends...ALWAYS!
The other guy and I still dated but I was with Sean the most, and the last moment before I admitted to myself that he is the ONE, was when we went to a hockey game, afterwards we all strolled around downtown with his friends, we came across some violets and I picked one, gave it to him but instead he tucked it in my hair. Then I knew that I wanted to be with him and his crazy friends who I adored and wanted to be a part of his life forever, but the stupid girl I was, did not act on it!! I married the other guy!! (trust me, I am still kicking myself!) And this amazing man, my best friend, came to my wedding after calling me the night before telling me I am marrying the wrong man and accused me of going thru the wedding because I cared too much about what other people think, he was in the last row of the church. When I hugged him that day, I knew I made a dreadful mistake!! Dreadful! But Sean and I still remained friends, somehow.
A divorce and five years later, I did not hesitate to call Sean and joyfully tell him that I am leaving the other dude..I imagined Sean speeding over and profess undying love....but instead, he told me he just got home from work and he was tired and wanted to call me later (it was 11pm after all), but I did not care I was no longer playing games and I was going to fix us!
9 months later, still best of friends, but really in denial, I was hung up on my high school love who came in and out of my life in the last nine months and he was too good looking for me to get pass the infatuation I was confusing with love..let's not forget I was only 18!! So while I was mending my heart, Sean and our friends hung out almost every night and those days were the best times of my life, except I did not realize that then..I was too busy boo hooing over a relationship that was doomed since day one. But another moment did not fail to take me off guard, once again. He would have "Friends" Thursday at his place with our friend, April, and we would stay there so late with not a care in the world. One Thursday, while driving to his apartment, I suddenly began feeling giddy to see him and thinking how I missed him, and when I arrived at his apartment a mean goose was in attack mode, Sean came out of his apartment armed with a hockey stick and bravely shooed the goose away and pulled me into his apartment, once safely inside he gave me his famous one eyebrow arch look and I SWEAR he could see my heart beat right through my chest! He was being silly but I honestly looked at him as my hero (seriously..that goose was huge!). I remembered our friend April was on her way and got my act together before she got there. As time went on, he was the only brave one between us and one evening, sitting on the back of his white truck, he confessed how he felt, but me..I cowered out, and several times after that..I don't know if I loved our unique friendship too much or if I loved having someone care about me as much as he did and did not want that to stop, so I never acted on these fleeting heart stopping, breath taking moments.
I look back on it today and I am amazed what I put our relationship through in the next years to come. After a few times of Sean opening up to me and me not responding to him, he gave up, we still remained friends, but there was a definite change in our relationship. He certainly stopped putting me first and distant himself from me and I was too stubborn to admit to him how I felt. I began dating another guy, desperately wanting Sean to tell me how he felt again. I, Leesa Peasley, was playing games, and he was not participating! I was a stupid stupid girl! I would write notes to Sean hinting how I feel, and the only response I would get from Sean was just our usual friendly hang outs, we would go to hockey games together or hang out at Damons..and we were never alone, always with our friends...ALWAYS!
The other guy and I still dated but I was with Sean the most, and the last moment before I admitted to myself that he is the ONE, was when we went to a hockey game, afterwards we all strolled around downtown with his friends, we came across some violets and I picked one, gave it to him but instead he tucked it in my hair. Then I knew that I wanted to be with him and his crazy friends who I adored and wanted to be a part of his life forever, but the stupid girl I was, did not act on it!! I married the other guy!! (trust me, I am still kicking myself!) And this amazing man, my best friend, came to my wedding after calling me the night before telling me I am marrying the wrong man and accused me of going thru the wedding because I cared too much about what other people think, he was in the last row of the church. When I hugged him that day, I knew I made a dreadful mistake!! Dreadful! But Sean and I still remained friends, somehow.
A divorce and five years later, I did not hesitate to call Sean and joyfully tell him that I am leaving the other dude..I imagined Sean speeding over and profess undying love....but instead, he told me he just got home from work and he was tired and wanted to call me later (it was 11pm after all), but I did not care I was no longer playing games and I was going to fix us!
The last moment that caught my breath was when we went on a date and he simply turned around and looked at me as he opened the door for me, I remember his eyes seeming to be extra green suddenly, and I officially stopped lying to myself!
9 years and 2 awesome Peasley kids later, living paycheck to paycheck and barely time to high five each other in passing.. I am living the dream! I am so happy and glad to admit that I was wrong when I thought 15 years ago, that all his attention towards me would go away..I am treated like a princess everyday. But I love him for his sense of humor, his cute facial expressions and his natural ability to become a parent over night! When we had Nate, 7 years ago, in a sleepy voice, Sean asked me if I ever thought we'd be"here". And I will always stand by my comment.."no but I fantasized about it!" My dream come true!!
9 years and 2 awesome Peasley kids later, living paycheck to paycheck and barely time to high five each other in passing.. I am living the dream! I am so happy and glad to admit that I was wrong when I thought 15 years ago, that all his attention towards me would go away..I am treated like a princess everyday. But I love him for his sense of humor, his cute facial expressions and his natural ability to become a parent over night! When we had Nate, 7 years ago, in a sleepy voice, Sean asked me if I ever thought we'd be"here". And I will always stand by my comment.."no but I fantasized about it!" My dream come true!!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Time is NOT on MY Side!!
I feel so betrayed by "time", I never appreciated what "quality time" (or "QT time" as my dad often called it) offered until my children began rapidly metamorphasing once they turned 4 weeks old. My first born will be 7 in 9 days and my heart aches for the little baby I just held in my arms which seems like only an hour ago! And my daughter is not on times side either..everday for about a month now she is always telling me she wants to be big..I just look at her as she is stomping around in my high heels and dripping with glittery beaded necklaces and I ask her, "Why?? What's so great about being 'big'?" She just shrugs and sash shays/wobbles away and makes time fly even faster. I have to fight the temptation of going out and buying some Huggies and slapping them on both my children and stuffing them in the baby carrier and forcing them to be my babies again...and as long as I am being honest..forever!
Every year I get less and less control of their environment, and let me tell you, I am STRUGGLING!! Not just struggling with my babies not being babies anymore, but also struggling with this new need of wanting to control every thing! Where did this come from?? Oh, wait a minute, I am having flash backs of my mom as I write this.. she kept me well sheltered..I am not kidding when I tell you I was NOT allowed to have any black underwear....insane right??? But you know I am more insane when I now get the logic (as much as I hate to admit it, but I get it!!) What is so wrong with sheltering our children? Why not let them believe the world is full of good things and the bad things will go away with a kiss on the forehead. I can hear the hubs right now telling me the little Peasley's need to know that life is not fair,... fine..but I want them to know when life gets too troublesome, my arms will always be reaching out to them!
Yes, my mom and dad sheltered me,but now, as an adult, when I go to the Kinser's house, I get this overwhelming sense of warmth that no other place offers. Mom doesn't have apple pies in the window pane, and she doesn't greet me at the door with an apron on, but the door is always open and the feeling of being sheltered is welcomed!
The fact that the spedometer is set on RABBIT when it comes to the little Peasley's growing up is surreal to me. I look at their baby pictures than look at them and still see them as babies, Nate should not be on his way to first grade but on his way to his crib (if only he ever slept in a crib!). And the terrifying nagging pain is pulling at my heart more and more as it is getting painfully realistic that I can't protect them from being picked on or from a mean teacher~ I often find myself planning and plotting ways of protecting their little hearts~the reason my hair is graying as fast as my "babies" are growing. I often wonder if the good Lord is teaching me a lesson as I once laughed at my very good friend, Marti, as she shared, with much emotion, the book, "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, this was before I had children. I remember telling Marti the book was creepy as Marti tearfully read about the mom crawling into her adult son's window and rocked him while he slept...well here I am 8 years later, and don't think for a second that doing that very same creepy act is above me!
Not to worry though, I am making a conscientious effort to stop and really take in the moments I get with the little Peasleys and pray that some day when they are in their 30's they will feel the same comfy, sheltered feeling in our home that I have at my parents' home, and who knows, I may ban black undies from Miss Ava just to carry on the tradition!
Every year I get less and less control of their environment, and let me tell you, I am STRUGGLING!! Not just struggling with my babies not being babies anymore, but also struggling with this new need of wanting to control every thing! Where did this come from?? Oh, wait a minute, I am having flash backs of my mom as I write this.. she kept me well sheltered..I am not kidding when I tell you I was NOT allowed to have any black underwear....insane right??? But you know I am more insane when I now get the logic (as much as I hate to admit it, but I get it!!) What is so wrong with sheltering our children? Why not let them believe the world is full of good things and the bad things will go away with a kiss on the forehead. I can hear the hubs right now telling me the little Peasley's need to know that life is not fair,... fine..but I want them to know when life gets too troublesome, my arms will always be reaching out to them!
Yes, my mom and dad sheltered me,but now, as an adult, when I go to the Kinser's house, I get this overwhelming sense of warmth that no other place offers. Mom doesn't have apple pies in the window pane, and she doesn't greet me at the door with an apron on, but the door is always open and the feeling of being sheltered is welcomed!
The fact that the spedometer is set on RABBIT when it comes to the little Peasley's growing up is surreal to me. I look at their baby pictures than look at them and still see them as babies, Nate should not be on his way to first grade but on his way to his crib (if only he ever slept in a crib!). And the terrifying nagging pain is pulling at my heart more and more as it is getting painfully realistic that I can't protect them from being picked on or from a mean teacher~ I often find myself planning and plotting ways of protecting their little hearts~the reason my hair is graying as fast as my "babies" are growing. I often wonder if the good Lord is teaching me a lesson as I once laughed at my very good friend, Marti, as she shared, with much emotion, the book, "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, this was before I had children. I remember telling Marti the book was creepy as Marti tearfully read about the mom crawling into her adult son's window and rocked him while he slept...well here I am 8 years later, and don't think for a second that doing that very same creepy act is above me!
Not to worry though, I am making a conscientious effort to stop and really take in the moments I get with the little Peasleys and pray that some day when they are in their 30's they will feel the same comfy, sheltered feeling in our home that I have at my parents' home, and who knows, I may ban black undies from Miss Ava just to carry on the tradition!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Liar, Liar..or just creative story teller??
One beautiful day, about a year ago, my husband was working first shift, and the kids and I were going to meet him at work. Before meeting him, I needed to make a transaction at the bank that entailed me needing to go inside. The bank teller and I were having the usual small talk, but it all changed when she asked what we were doing next. My 5 year old looked at her and said in the saddest voice, I have ever heard from him, and says "my daddy is in prison", I don't know if my laughter was if I thought it was humorous or if it was the only reaction I had from being mortified..I think it was both. After vehemently announcing that my husband, Nate's father, is an outstanding citizen of this city and he works at a very well known Indy company and that is where he is at right now..I just couldn't stop all the adjectives describing the law abiding husband that is also the father of my children (I don't think the teller was buying my factual description of the hubs, in fact, Nate was so convincing, I almost believed him!). Driving to the hubs work, I began the slippery slope to thinking about other stories Nate has told, like telling his Grandma Peasley I didn't come visit with them because I was napping when I was really working, or saying to me that Ava said her first word when she was 3 months. Fast Forward a year and a half later, his stories have been getting more detailed: First day of kindergarten, he reports very excitedly that his teacher took the whole class to Disney world and each child sat next to Mickey on a bench, then, later in the year, he got sick at school, he told the school nurse that he got sick the night before and we made him go anyway (I am still bitter about that one..giving me a bad rep. with the school nurse just isn't cool!) I will never forget when I forgot to send his lunch with him to school, I came home to an angry husband, because Nate had the hubs convinced that the school would not give him a school lunch because he did not have lunch money, thankfully I called him on it and angry daddy did not make an appearance to school! And now the latest, the hubs works at Steak n Shake and we get to eat free because we are family (recently told to my friend who is watching him over the summer). I know this is all part of growing up and I am telling myself that he is just creative, I don't take it too seriously, (I do have FREQUENT serious talks with him about lying) unless it involves possibly getting the other person in the story in trouble. And a lot of it, I laugh at! But sometimes, if I think about it long enough, I begin to wonder what is he telling other adults about us, if the hubs is in prison (who follows every rule there is btw) then where am I or what am I in his "creative thinking out loud" moments?? When he goes and visits over night with a friend, I am almost tempted to write a note to his friend's parents about the "real" us..taking it too far, right? I know,I know! I will just send him off and hope he gets invited back..or we don't have authorities knocking on our door! I also start analyzing his story telling, is this a sign of a future criminal..or just a politician?? Yikes..let's not go there! For now, I will just remind my self he is only 6 and just enjoy the entertainment his little head with a big brain provides.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Confessions of an Undomesticated Mommy
Hey there, folks! I do hope this is a beginning of something that will reach out to fellow mommies that are like me or even if they are just a little bit like me! Just a little about myself, I am a Christian and I do aspire for this blog to be honest, open AND most importanly, pleasing to God.I have two children, a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. I am happily married to my best friend for over 7 years and we lead a simple life (not always by my choice, BTW!) I have been following one blog of a beautiful mom whose faith in God is strong and she seems to have it all together, almost like super mom. And often when I read her post and many others, I think to myself, wow, how does she do it and stay so positive and .OOh look at the pictures of her huge home, it is so spotless! And I found my self wanting to be that kind of mom, well, anyone who knows me knows that I just fall way short, I am no way graceful and let's face it, I am not a home maker my husband probably deserves. Tho I enjoy reading her posts and get great tips from her (and many others) I can no longer compare myself to her, and I don't think she wants that either. So here I am, the other mom that so many of us avoid being, but I know I am not the only one!
So let me introduce the undomesticated Mommy in me: every day I tell my self, I will be the one to make dinner tonight, but by time I get home..usually well after 6pm, the hubs has it all ready, hot on the table..and I LIKE IT! I do not make my children eat food they dislike, when I first became a mom, I was the perfect mother, I had guidelines and rules...well, that all went out the window by time I was 5 months pregnant! My children slept in my bed, I let them (gasp) watch tv so I can get stuff done, and one of them thinks that trying new foods means trying a new flavor of ice cream, and some times..I am really great at "couch parenting". What is couch parenting you ask?? Well if you have to ask,good for you!! That means you have never done it and you may be appalled at me but I confess, on days that I am on my feet all day at work, and I am too exhausted to even care that I come home to my living room looking like Toys R Us dumped all their stuff in it, I have found my self in zombie mode..alert enough to know what my kids are doing, and only give yes/no answers as I let them watch PBS sprout or sometimes ICarly as I just veg out on the big comfy sofa. I admit, I do this probably once or twice a month, and I do feel guilty when I do it, but sometimes, it is all I can do for my kids and my self to keep the peace while the hubs is sleeping before he goes to work at 10:15pm.
Now I know my title is the Undomesticated Mommy, but I keep the house up, actually the hubs and I both do, I can honestly say we both do our share. I ALWAYS tuck my kids in at night and they both have a special routine with me before they nod off to slumber land. I frequently have their towels and pj's fresh out of the dryer when getting out of the bath tub, especially in the winter time. I just did this ever since they were babies and never realized how they appreciate (or expect it) when I forget to do it. So sometimes I have to remind my self that even tho our home is not extravagant, and that I WILL step on a toy train/barbie shoe while putting kids to bed, that I do let my children know how important they are to us and how special they are before they go to sleep. So for that, I will give myself a pat on the back, knowing they will always know I love them at the end of the day, no matter what kind of day we had.
So let me introduce the undomesticated Mommy in me: every day I tell my self, I will be the one to make dinner tonight, but by time I get home..usually well after 6pm, the hubs has it all ready, hot on the table..and I LIKE IT! I do not make my children eat food they dislike, when I first became a mom, I was the perfect mother, I had guidelines and rules...well, that all went out the window by time I was 5 months pregnant! My children slept in my bed, I let them (gasp) watch tv so I can get stuff done, and one of them thinks that trying new foods means trying a new flavor of ice cream, and some times..I am really great at "couch parenting". What is couch parenting you ask?? Well if you have to ask,good for you!! That means you have never done it and you may be appalled at me but I confess, on days that I am on my feet all day at work, and I am too exhausted to even care that I come home to my living room looking like Toys R Us dumped all their stuff in it, I have found my self in zombie mode..alert enough to know what my kids are doing, and only give yes/no answers as I let them watch PBS sprout or sometimes ICarly as I just veg out on the big comfy sofa. I admit, I do this probably once or twice a month, and I do feel guilty when I do it, but sometimes, it is all I can do for my kids and my self to keep the peace while the hubs is sleeping before he goes to work at 10:15pm.
Now I know my title is the Undomesticated Mommy, but I keep the house up, actually the hubs and I both do, I can honestly say we both do our share. I ALWAYS tuck my kids in at night and they both have a special routine with me before they nod off to slumber land. I frequently have their towels and pj's fresh out of the dryer when getting out of the bath tub, especially in the winter time. I just did this ever since they were babies and never realized how they appreciate (or expect it) when I forget to do it. So sometimes I have to remind my self that even tho our home is not extravagant, and that I WILL step on a toy train/barbie shoe while putting kids to bed, that I do let my children know how important they are to us and how special they are before they go to sleep. So for that, I will give myself a pat on the back, knowing they will always know I love them at the end of the day, no matter what kind of day we had.
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